


The Thing Is

by foggynelson



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, and i wrote them literally days apart, anyway i guess this is technically my second fix it fic, i got really fucking emotional over it so leave me alone???, look...... i know raphael is literally in the trailer for one second but, this is honestly not that great but he happened so whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 04:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8518450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggynelson/pseuds/foggynelson
Summary: The thing is: Raphael doesn’t want to love Simon. The thing is: he does anyway.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Can you believe they gave us Raphael Santiago in the trailer but only his back and him and Simon are fighting :)))) Literally what kind of shit is this,,

The thing is… The thing is? The ! Thing ! Is! Raphael can’t stop himself. He’s tried for weeks, for days, for months, for parts of his whole life. He has tried. These things, these feelings are… They don’t make him weak, not exactly; they don’t hinder him, not exactly. But they hurt him. They take his mind away from more important things - like the clan’s protection. Like the leader he is supposed to me.

The thing is: Raphael doesn’t want to love Simon. The thing is: he does anyway. He’s loved before. He loves his family with all of his being, his mother especially. He loves his friends as a child. He loves Magnus and Ragnor and Lily and other members of his clan. He loves so much. He always has. But not like this. 

This feeling is so weird and strange and it scares Raphael and seeing Simon again - seeing Simon for the first time since his betrayal, Raphael feels so many conflicting emotions he can barely breathe. Not that he needs to breathe, but it’s one of the mundane things he still does, one of the way he has clung to his humanity for so many years. But now that’s betraying him, too.

He doesn’t even notice how it happens, but they’re fighting, shouting, yelling, and there’s hissing, fangs, everything primal and animal and Raphael almost feels like a monster again. But he’s not. He’s not a monster or some animal that can’t control himself. He’s Raphael Santiago, leader of the New York clan. He is more than this.

But seeing Simon makes him feel so small. He feels so young, like a teenager in love for the first time. Raphael almost chuckles at that thought because, technically, that’s what he is. A teen in love and a mess because of it.

Magnus is there and is soon pulling them apart, keeping them from actually attacking each other. Simon is still hissing at him, yelling something and then… then it hits Raphael what he’s saying. And Simon is? Apologizing? In his own weird Simon way, he’s saying sorry. Raphael looks at him, his fangs retracting, and he honestly listens for the first time since he first saw him.

And naturally, Simon only somewhat makes sense and he takes long detours before he reaches his point, but he does reach it. Raphael tilts his head and watches his fledgling and… And Raphael is breathing again and he almost wants to smile. Because despite how messy this is, despite the past happenstances that brought them to this moment, Raphael feels this sense of warmth when he’s next to Simon.

It’s not long before Simon notices the mood in the room shift and his fangs retract and his shoulders relax and his voice softens some. He’s still animated as he now explains what they’re needing from Raphael, how they’re hoping the clan can help with tracking Jace down. 

Part of Raphael can’t believe Simon would even dare ask him for him. But at the same time, of course, Simon would. Raphael knows if this was really a favor for Simon, like Simon asking for blood for himself or for Raphael to train him again, Simon would never ask. But asking for help for someone else’s sake, Simon would. Simon would do anything as long as it helped someone else.

And Raphael loves this about him. He does. There is brightness in Simon as talks. A brightness that so many vampires lose when they’re first turned. Many gain it back, this light and joy and warmth but Simon! Simon never lost it. Even when he was first turned, when he threw Raphael against a truck, called them both monsters, when Simon was scared and hated who he was - that light was there. Small. But there. And Raphael knew then that there was something special about him. Something he still can’t believe is real.

It’s not much, what they’re wanting him to do. Simply send some vampires to talk to members of other clans to see what they know. Which Raphael had already planned on doing, actually. Not for Jace’s sake (although Raphael is saddened but that whole affair) but simply to keep on top of this war. Be as aware as possible of what is coming.

Raphael’s about to agree when Simon changes the subject and he’s apologizing. Over and over. Telling Raphael how bad he feels, how much he regrets what he’s done - how he regrets hurting Raphael. And that - that feels nice. It doesn’t make things better. Doesn’t fix things, but there are parts of Raphael that had been so shattered that Raphael thinks, maybe, can be put together again.

And Simon looks down and mutters something about how much he cares about Raphael, how he’s missed him. Then he looks up, with literally the most beautiful smile Raphael has ever seen and all of Raphael _aches_.

Simon looks at him and Raphael just reacts - he doesn’t think, but his arms around Simon’s larger frame and he’s holding him, tight. And Raphael melts into Simon. Simon holds him back, and Raphael never wants to let go.

And well, the thing is: Raphael doesn’t want to love Simon. The thing is: he does anyway but he knows he shouldn’t. He knows Simon could never love him back. He knows how this will end: him, alone and sad. There are no other outcomes. And yet… And yet…

The thing is: Raphael doesn’t want to love Simon. But the thing is: he can’t imagine not loving him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I apologize I have no idea what this was and there was no dialogue and dialogue is literally all I'm good at writing so yeah. Thanks again for reading. Let me know what you think???


End file.
